" تغششت؟" " لا عادي" ... "اي تغششت اي تجرحت اي قلبي وجعني و غاضتني.. اي بكيت و تأزمت اما لا عادي متخافش نكبر و ننسا ولا نموت و ننسا... انا اقوى و تعديت بما أصعب.. انا الي طحت و قمت وحدي .. انا لي بكيت و مسحت دمعتي وحدي.. انا الي دبرمت و حسيت روحي وحدي.. انا لي كل ليلة نموت وحدي و نحيا وحدي.. انا الي حياتي الكلها وحدي.. انا لي كل ما نحاول نتأقلم مع الدنيا نكتشف الي الدنيا مش متاعي و تونس مش متاعي و العالم الكل مش متاعي و لعباد مش متاعي .. انا الي عمري ما حسيت بالانتماء..ديما اور ليين... اما عادي تو يجي النهار الي نتوحش فيه الدنيا و تمشي عليا و نموت.. الوقت يتعدا فيسع و كيما وصلت للفاك تو نوصل للجبانة.. و نتنسا عادي كيما تنسا غيري اما يمكن نرتاح.. نرتاح م تفاهات و الاحباط و الكلها.. و كل شي. نعرف غلطت مع برشا عباد و جرحت برشا عباد حبوني كيما انا تجرحت.. سامحوني ... نعرف روحي خايبة ساعات.. و لعباد لي جرحوني.. عادي يمكن مش مشكلتكم.. مشكلتي انا عطيتكم قيمة اكثر ملازم و توقعت حاجات منكم ... عادي ... كل شي عادي.. نكبر و ننسا ولا نموت و ننسا.. الفايدة ننسا .. حبيت نلقى عبد يساندني و نساندوا ناقفوا مع بعضنا نحلموا مع بعضنا نكونوا صحاب و خوات و كل شي.. نبنيوا مع بعضنا اما انت فين و الحب فين.. اصلا مش متاعي هذا الكل.. خليني وحدي محلاني
هل تعرفون ما مشكلتي مع الكتابة و عدوي اللدود معها ؟ ذلك الذي يحاول جاهدا ان يبعدني عنها؟ البداية. لا اعرف كيف ابدأ مقالي او خواطري و قد قيل ان البدايات طالما تكون هي الاصعب كما في العلاقات او التأقلم مع شيئ جديد و هو حالي في الكتابة لذلك اتماطل عنها و لكني قررت اليوم ان اكتب و ابدأ بذاك السؤال ثم اتحدث عن حياتي التي ستبدأ قريبا على ما اعتقد بعد ان ضاعت قطعا كثيرة منها منذ ١٨ عاما و لكني اريد استعادتها. اريد ان اعيش كل لحظة و اقضي اياما سعيدة فربما قاربت حياتي على الانتهاء. ربما هذه ايامي الاخيرة او حتى ساعاتي او دقائقي و ربما ثوانيي الاخيرة فعلي ان اعيشها جيدا. علي ان اصنع الذكريات و اعيش. اعيشها كاملة. دون نقصان. الحياة تجربة رائعة علينا كلنا اجتيازها بنجاح رغم ما يمكن ان تحمله من فشل. هذا لا يعني شيئا ابدا. هذا لا يعيقنا على العيش. نظرتك للحياة هي التي تقدر على اعاقتك فلا تعطيها هذه الفرصة. لا تجعلها تسخر منك و انتقم منها. فكر ايجابيا و اقتل كل سم فيها. تجاهل هجومها السلبي عليك. تجاهله بأقوى جهدك سيأتي يوما تمل فيه و تتركك و هذا ما ينتج عنه التجاهل دائما: الملل. لذلك قررت ان ارمي تلك الافكار المدمرة بعيدا .. بعيدا عن مجرتي و عالمي لكي لا تعود. لن اهزم بهذه السهولة و سأمضي حتى النهاية. لن اقف و سأبني احلاما و طموحات طالما لازلت على قيد الحياة. البكالوريا كانت كلمة جميلة. مضت معي عاما كاملا. كانت للحظة كابوسا مرعبا ثم باتت لا شيئ عند استيقاظي من النوم. مرت و انتهينا. معك شهادة تخول لك ان تدرس لك في الجامعة لا أكثر و معدلا يحدد اختياراتك. قد تغيرت احلامي كثيرا و لازلت ستتغير. تجدني كل سنة او حتى كل شهر بحلم. كنت في صغري احلم بأن اصبح محامية ثم استاذة فرنسية و عند دخولي للمعهد حلمت بالصحافة و الترجمة. أردت لمدة طويلة ان اصبح مترجمة ناجحة و في هذه السنة خاصة في اواخرها اردت ان ادرس بالمعهد التحضيري للدرسات الادبية و اختص في الانجليزية فأصبح استاذة بالجامعة و مترجمة عالمية و ناقدة ادبية. و لكن كأني الان قد تنازلت عن هذا الحلم تماما خاصة و ان معدلي لا يسمح لي بدخول تلك الجامعة بالذات. كما حلمت بدارسة الطب و الهندسة و طمحت للحصول على منحة للدراسة بألمانيا و غيرها من الاحلام و لكني في نهاية المطاف احمل حلما جديدا تماما و ها انا في كلية الاقتصاد لدراسة التصرف حلم لم يراودني قط و لكنه واقعي الان.
The most faithful friend I've even known. She never lets you miss her. She comes whenever she feels that you're about to feel alone. She comes and stays.. Shares your company. When I was 16 years old, it was just a word I see in books, written somewhere in internet.. A fuzzy one that I barely understand. I didn't know how someone could feel depressed. How the whole thing starts and why..It felt like an enigma difficult to solve.. Until she haunts me and I met her for the first time. 2016.. Somewhere in winter.. January maybe. I tried it. I knew that she just comes.. She won't ask to come. She just takes off the door and says " hello" You don't understand.. You just follow her and see what she's doing to you without being able to do anything, chocked, helpless and moveless. She'd be kind and sweet at first then when you're actually totally fucked up.. She'll show you her truth.. Wicked and heartlesB.. After totally consuming you.. She'll go.. Giving you a break.. You'll collect energy.. You'll feel good again.. And happy.. Peace. You think it's all over.. You're fine now.. No more pain. She's gone. But at that time she'll show up as an endless nightmare. " I knew you missed me. I actually did too." Then you get used to her.. You start really missing her and you call her yourself.. " Depression.. Where are you? Come and visit me.. Alone here." And because she's kind she'll come running to you. " I'll be here always by your side like no human did. " And she becomes your close friend. She becomes like drugs. Harmful but you're just hooked to it. Well this is Mrs Depression. Absent all summer.. Maybe it's time for you to show your face :)
« Life is not always PINK.”We always said that. It's obvious. It's a fact that none is able to change it. Not even Science. Life can be black sometimes, or white. It can be a lot of other colors but when you say life you should basically say GREY. We live in a grey world. I love Grey, you know. I love to wear Grey things and... I'd like to have a Grey roof in my room. But loving a color doesn't mean you'd rather life to be that way. I adore black too but I'd never ever want life to be black. All colors are beautiful but life isn't beautiful with all colors. I'm really done with some sorts of things in my life like what my dearest lovely dad is doing to me. I want FREEDOM, damn. I love that word. It has been always my favorite.
Freedom there Freedom Everywhere People are doing well. This is how things smell. When Freedom is there.
You don't have to come up with your “You're terrific with poetry.” I already know this stuff. Not our topic. I am really fond on FREEDOM that I'd like to have her as a partner, my whole life. What if FREEDOM was a person? Something you can do sex with... And have children that look just as Mr. FREEDOM so that goodness blooms the world. I'm not selfish, you see J I also think about people just like me, because I feel them and I know it's really harsh. I'm always wondering why is life not fair? I thought we were all born free ... But the truth is some were. Most weren't... Like me. Maybe it's everybody's right to live freely but plenty of people are oppressed. “You do this. You don't do this. You go with this person but not with that one there. You eat this and not this. You study this but not this. You work this but not this. You live like this but not like this. You think like this but it's forbidden to think like this.” It's almost “You feel like this but not like this.” STOP. STOP THIS FUCKING SHIT NOW. It's not YOU. It's not YOUR LIFE. Then can you just SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm done with this. You've got a life. If that life isn't enough for you then don't steal others. That's sin. That's illegal. That's inhuman. Don't you consider yourself a human? Okay then, you should stop or you should give your resignation from the humankind. Clear? “But I'm your dad. But I'm your Mum.” Is this a reason to take my freedom away? NO. BIG NO. Did you like your parents just sticking around every stuff you do? I don't think so. So can you please stop it now and let your child live as he's meant to live, the way he wants? STOP BEING AN OBSTACLE IN YOUR CHILDREN LIVES. Encourage them instead. They need it. They really do. Sincerely, Your Daughter.
20/01/2017 " It's okay. I wouldn't choose me either." " I tell myself I don't need anyone but the truth is, they don't need me."
I'm feeling okay. I'm feeling alright. I'm feeling great. Just quite stupid and worthless, a little depressed and drowning in love. Yep. I hate him and I fucking missed him. Why should I always wait his message? Why he just don't miss me the way I do? Why he just don't care? Fuck I hate you. Can you let me sleep at least? Why are so cruel and evil? Can I sleep in peace? Why should I think about you all the time? even in my dreams, you're there? Why are you just everywhere? So fucking fed up. When I wake up, the first thing I think about is you... When I'm studying, When I'm eating, when I'm listening to music, when I'm drawing, I think of you. You're stucked there in my head like there's nothing else to wonder about. Just leave me alone. Damn. I can't support it anymore. Where's that me who all that think about is how much she'd get in math exam? Where's that me who all that think about is school and studying? I miss that me. I hate the new me. I'm weak and vulnerable. I'm so dependent now. I hate it. I wish that I had never sent you a friend request. I wish that I've never entered this group of psychos. Why people always bring us down? Why we always want people who don't want us in return and dislike people who want us so bad? I guess it's done like that. We get hurted by someone, we hurt another one who either hurts someone else. As well, we ignore people because we've been ignored. Maybe, I'm used to it. I'm used to being ignored. But being used dosen't mean, not feeling the pain anymore. I wait for his message for hours. I wait for his " knock knock " or his " Boo ~ " His messages make me tilt in a good way. He's special to me and he fucking makes me feel special. No one ever made me feel too good about myself. I was always that shy girl that miss self esteem. Unconfident and introvert. No one ever told me how beautiful my voice is, how beautiful I look, how funny I really am. " I think I love you. " He once said. I was confused. I thought he was talking about friend Love. I told him " I love you too." As if it's an evidence. " Did you hear what I say?" " I thought you didn't and If you didn't, I actually don't think that I'd say it again." Well, I don't know if I love you or not.. I'm a bit confused. " " I'm feeling the same. " I guess that now, he's not feeling confused anymore. He actually knew that he dosen't love me, he was just imagining things. The last time he called me was amazing. He always talks more than me and I actually have no problem with it. I enjoy his stories but I really sometimes want to put my shyness away and talk about my stupid small adventures. He told me about his scary dreams such as him killing all his family members because he thought they were stealing or the dream in the fancy house where he wanted to kill a girl but he just couldn't and stopped but what happened is that she throw herself from the window and died. Weird dreams and interesting ones not like mines, The ones that I don't even remember.I always think that I'm a stupid, ugly girl with a wood face. The only thing that I really like about myself is basically my name : Tasnime. Tasnime Haouach. It's actually the first thing I thank my parents about even though, I always have fights with them. They always try to kill my freedom. They always want to decide instead of me, forbid me to live the way I want and actually oblige me to do stuffs I won't do.